I am going to write about something that not many people know about, it is something that you would only know if you were close to us at the time that it happened.
I talked about my beautiful, amazing son Oliver, He is the light of our life, so happy, and has one of the best senses of humor for a 2 ½ year old. Alan and I decided in August 2010 that we wanted to start trying for another bundle of joy. After trying for a month and a bit I found out I was expecting. My due Date was June 30, 2011. Alan was so excited that we were expecting again, I was also excited but it seemed so surreal to me. The pregnancy started off like my first, other then I was sick everyday…it was bad, I did not experience this at all with Oliver. I had cramping every day too, but this was something I had with Oliver so I did not think anything of it. We told our family and close friends, everyone was so excited, and they all said they hoped for a girl, this is because on my side of the family it is over run by boys. We wanted happy and healthy. I did not change much from this pregnancy from Oliver’s I eat the same, when I could eat; I did all the same things. I had my ten week appointment in December 2010. The doctor checked for the heartbeat, she found it and it was so loud and strong, she said it was at 150, which is good. That day she sent me for an ultra sound because I had noticed some blood after using the bathroom a few time, she said that it was probably nothing but for my piece of mind she made the appointment, also we wanted to check for twins since it is on both sides and is possible.
I went in and the tech checked everything over and then said he would get Alan and Oliver. We got to see our little peanut as a family, the heart was beating away, and yes there was only the one. I cannot even express in words how amazed Oliver was to see his little Brother or Sister on the screen. The ultrasound tech gave us three pictures to take home, we kept one and gave one to His mom and dad and one to my mom. We went home after the appointment and decide that because we heard the heart beat and saw the baby we could tell the reset of our world that we were expecting. We were so happy that everything was developing well, and excited to start our life with a new little one in it.
December 11, 2010 we went to a children’s Christmas party that Alan’s work holds every year, Oliver had so much fun playing with all the kids and getting to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We also go to hold a new little bundle of joy, our friends that work with Alan just had their little girl a week before, she was so tiny and all I could think about was the tiny little baby that I was carrying. We were asked by some of the people that Alan worked with when we would be expecting next, Alan looked at me as if he was wanted me to say go ahead it is ok, and I did. We told all of them we would be expecting in June. Everyone was happy by our news. After the Christmas party we went as a family to the Christmas tree farm to pick a tree, something we do every year. Oliver again had a blast picking a tree, the best tree. We went home and hung the lights and told Oliver we would decorate it tomorrow. And we did.
December 13, 2010 I went back to work however I was not feeling well at all and about halfway though my day I went home. Alan and Oliver were out Christmas shopping so I took full advantage of an empty house and went to lie down. When they got home I started to feel a little bit better, so I thought I was fine.
December 14, 2010 I was at work, it was around 8:30 in the morning, I felt like I was in labor, it was the worse feeling ever. I called the health nurse and she said for me to go see my doctor right away. I called Alan and said I am on my way to the walk in clinic because my Doctors office was not open unit 9:30 am. I pulled a number, I think I was like number 86 and they were on number 72. I sat and waited and waited and waiting, Alan and Oliver came down and waited with me. I finally asked how much longer, she said it will be about 45 minutes. I was like I am out of here, by this point it was after 9:30 and my Doctor would be in the office by now. I called down to the office and the receptionist said that I would be better off going to the hospital, I said NO! I want to see my doctor. She said to come in and she would fit me in. I went in and she had me do the standard pee test and checked my weight and blood presser. She had me sit down again. I am cramping like I am in labor and scared that something is wrong with the baby and all I can hear is the one receptionist say to the other, “You know if it has been me or so and so telling her to go to the hospital she would have went” Ummm No I would have. There is something wrong and the only one I want to see is my doctor. God himself could have told me to go to the hospital and I would have said the same thing. Finally she said the Doctor will see you now and she brought us into the little waiting room. It felt like forever for the doctor to come in. She came in and checked for a heartbeat, nothing…no sounds at all. She said that it is probably because the baby was moving around but that she would send me for another ultrasound, again for peace of mind. This was at 10:00 in the morning my ultrasound was for 1is. We went home and I went to lay down until it was time to go to the appointment, when it was time to go we dropped Oliver off at my in-laws just in case, we went to the hospital for the ultrasound, I got called into the room, the tech asked me to lay down and said if everything is fine she will go get Alan, but if there was a problem she would tell me to empty my bladder, go get Alan and then let us know what was going on. She was quick, a punch hear and snap there and then she turns to me and says “OK go empty your bladder” I went numb. The blood left my body. I went to the bathroom. Came back to the room and cried we knew it was not good news but we still held up hope we were wrong. Alan came in and I looked at him and said the baby died, he grabbed me held me as I screamed and cried why? Why us? Why our baby? All the tech could say was I am so sorry, and then she told us that the doctor wanted us to go back and see her. We left and walked back to the car, a walk that seem to never end. The whole time Alan was holding me. We went to the doctor and she said that the baby died at 10 week gestation, basically right after the ultrasound that was done at 10 weeks the baby’s stopped growing and its heart stopped beating. She also told us our options, either we could do a chemical DNC which is done at home, or I could go to the hospital and have a DNC done or there was the third option, let my body take care of it naturally, she was not sure how long that would take, so I decided that I would do the chemical DNC so I could be home and would not have to go to the hospital.
December 15, 2010, I did the chemical DNC, the worse decision of my life. I ended up in the hospital with in a day of doing it. When you do a chemical DNC you are putting yourself in labor. My labor started at around 9AM that morning, I felt my water brake at 1:30PM, and I had to deliver the little tiny baby at 10 weeks gestation on December 15, 2010 at 1:45PM. This is a pain that no one should ever have to go through, I was lucky because I have a great support system. Alan stepped up and held me when I cried and not only that he took care of Oliver. Oliver who was learning to pee on the potty like a big boy while this was all going on. I took a week and a bit off from work, the recovery was long, and sometimes I don’t think I am mentally recovered yet. This is something that I have been think about, and probably more so because my due date would have been 3 days from now. I still wonder what that baby would have looked like, if it would have been a boy or a girl.
Now I am wondering about our future child or children. I know that things happen for a reason, and I would not have done anything different because I know it was nothing I did. I know that one day I will meet this little one and we will be a family. This was not my first miscarriage, the first one I was only 4 weeks along, not that it makes it any easier, but I know that early that it was just not meant to be. The doctor said that because I had a healthy pregnancy and baby, I will have another one.
I would often forget that my pain was not just mine it was my whole family’s pain; I did not just lose a child, our whole family lost this child, this baby. For months after Oliver would often ask if we could go listen to the baby, I would hold back the tears and say “no babe we can’t the baby is in heaven”. He stopped asking after awhile, I would like to think it is because he understands, but it is more likely because he has just forgotten.
-Bex
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